Bung Mokhtar, the Monkey King of Kalimantan

By James

Once upon a time, Bung Mokhtar's mother gave birth to a monkey in Sabah. His parents was thinking what name should they give to this monkey. His father thought of himself, "Well, I only know Bahasa Melayu (BM). BM, BM, BM... so, my monkey's name can be... BUNG MOKHTAR (BM). Good."

When Bung Mokhtar was still a little child, he always wanders into the forest and play with monkeys, climbing trees, plucking fruits, scratching armpits, shouting nonsense, poking assholes. No wonder his IQ doesn't develop. Although he has 23 pairs of chromosomes, his name (Scientifically) has changed into Bung Monkey. Still half Malay, he is always being called Bodoh Mokhtar because of his stupidity.Or even better, Big Mouth, Besar Mulut, Besar Monyet, Bulu Monyet, Busuk Monyet, Buntut Monyet, or Big Motherfucker.

UMNO Sabah (United Monkey Nudes Organization of Sabah) saw his potential because of his Bunyi Monyet (Bisingnya Monyet) and found him useful in parliament. UMNO needed somebody who has a big mouth to shout louder at Lim Kit Siang and down his complaints.

So the former PM of Malaysia, Mahaithir, took notice of this monkey and asked UMNO to teach him Bahasa Pasar, a higher level of Bahasa Monyet. After a few years, Bung Monkey contested for the Kinabatangan parliamentary seat. His loudness of Bunyi Monyet has summoned all creatures in Sg. Kinabatangan and Kinabatangan forest to listen to him. He won in the elections.

Lim Kit Siang was having a hard time in parliament since the arrival of this particular monkey. Once he bring up an issue the monkey will shoot back at him 10 times louder. Mahaithir's eye for a potential monkey in the parliament was spot-on. If you try to put a world-class typewriter in the parliament to type out the words that come out from Bung Mokhtar's mouth, you can only type "Ehhh!! AAAHH!! BODOH LAH!!! BODOH, BOCOR!!!" (Don't even understand what he's talking about).

To counter the monkey, Lim Kit Siang brought in a cili padi (Fong Po Kuan) in 1999 because monkeys hate cili padi. Thus, in 2006, Fong Po Kuan brought up an issue of 'Parliament Bocor'. "Bocor??" Bung Mokhtar thinks. A new word!!! He thought about the red red stuff that drip from the female monkeys' vagina. 'Hah!!!!!. I Got It!!!' he thought.

"YOU TIAP-TIAP BULAN PUN BOCOR!!!"

Bocor? If you check Kamus Dewan for 'bocor', it just means 'leak'. The correct word for Period or Menstrual Cycle, in Malay, is called Kitaran Haid. BODOH!!!

Recently, he started to think "Why am I always in the parliament shouting against opposition members instead of giving spread to the monkeys? Why am I just a Sabah Chief UMNO Minister? I should be taking monkey talks to the monkeys in Peninsula Malaysia also!!" So, he went to meet our Sleepy PM Ab-DULL-ah AMAT BODOH-wi for a meeting that lasted for 3.5 hours.

What? 3.5 hours? My hypothesis is, Pak Lalala was trying to fall asleep but Bung Monyet was shouting Bahasa Monyet into his ears. To grasp Bahasa Monyet, the best person to listen to Big Monkey is eventually Hairy Jamaluddin (Itchy Monkey). So I think they had a video conference to understand Bung Mokhtar's comments, What a joke in Malaysia Parliamentary Scene!

So next time, you'll hear Bung Mokhtar says this: "I look like monkey, sound like monkey, but you can't say that 100% I'm a monkey".